Day 9

Since the "official cleanse" is on with the full dose of supplements, I started out the day feeling kind of puny. Vernon's second day of all the supplements made him feel like he had the worst case of the flu known to man, so I expected today (my second day of full supplements) to be a little bit rough. Since I gradually added the supplements into my diet, my body didn't have as bad of a reaction as Vernon's did - yet another blessing from the Lord in all of this! I spent a lot of time lying around today and then after my afternoon shake, I started feeling better. I was blessed with some needed energy and was able to take a shower and get some stuff done around the house. It clearly hasn't been too bad for me this evening considering that I'm still up and going at midnight!

Speaking of being up and going at midnight . . . all the literature that we got for this detox said that this detox would help us sleep better. I was really looking forward to the idea of having a more regular sleeping schedule . . . going to bed at a reasonable hour and waking up at a time of day that's not embarrassing to admit. So far that has not been the case. Even on the days I have felt horrible, I haven't been able to go to sleep at a reasonable hour and when I do go to bed, I still have a hard time falling asleep. I'm still waking up at an unmentionable time in the morning too . . . really, it's awful! Maybe that's something I'm just going to have to work on retraining myself. I think I'll wait on that though until we're a little bit further into this whole thing!

In my inability to go to sleep when I get into bed, I've been able to think through a few things. Last night I contemplated why I've been able to stick with this diet as well as I have. Granted, it's only been 9 days, but for me it might as well have been a year. I think for me, it all comes down to my motivation. About 3 years ago, I was on a strict diet because of a tear I had in my esophagus that I needed to heal. For obvious health reasons, I was very diligent about following my diet, but once that tear healed, my motivation for continuing left and the overeating began. I went through some excruciating pain through that whole esophagus tear ordeal and even that wasn't enough to motivate me ultimately to continue in the better eating practices that I was doing. I allowed the emotional strain of our infertility struggles to cause me to say that I deserved the food that I wanted . . . and as much of it that I wanted. I guess on some level, I figured the pain of the esophagus tear wasn't as bad as the current pain. (There's my psycho-babble for you!)

On the diet for the esophagus tear, I lost a lot of weight (all that happily married weight you gain) and I enjoyed being my normal, skinny self again. Two years of struggling with fertility issues, nasty fertility drugs, and the simple fact that I was not okay with all of that added A LOT of weight - all that I had lost and then some. Since Vernon and I have fully accepted our fertility challenges and are no longer pursing any fertility treatments, I have thought a number of times that I would love to get back into those skinny clothes . . . to be in the body that I know is my normal, healthy body. I tend to be a rather vain person - it matters to me how I look and I love feeling pretty. I love clothes, shoes, purses, hats, make-up and the whole nine-yards. Someone told me at church on Sunday that I looked extra prissy and that totally made my day. You would think that my vanity would be strong enough motivation to take control of my eating just for the sheer joy of weight loss. That hasn't been the case though. All these months that I've wanted to get back to my normal self, I've never found enough will power to make that happen. I actually gained even more weight in my pursuit!

This detox started as an act of obedience to the Lord and that continues to be my motivation. I came to the conclusion last night that in my life, I need motivation that is birthed in LIFE CHANGING POWER and that only comes from the LORD. The Lord is POWERFUL and He CHANGES LIVES just by His being. If my ultimate goal is to know Him better, love Him more and then live with Him forever in Heaven, that changes EVERYTHING. And He doesn't stop at providing the motivation . . . He gives us His Spirit to empower us to persevere, to make radical changes and do radical things in His name. I believe in the power of the Lord to heal every part of me that is in need of healing because His Spirit is alive and active, and in the business of carrying out the powerful purposes of the Lord in our world. His purpose is always for us to know the TRUTH - He is the only truth and I want my life to stand next to His truth and be in line with it.

Health issues aren't a strong enough motivation because it's way to easy for me to convince myself that we're all dying and the Lord knows the number of my days anyway, so there's probably not much I can do to change that. Is that wise, healthy or even 100% truth? NO! There is truth in it, but it's not 100% truth. Even if I didn't consider my body a dwelling place of the Lord, what an insult to my husband and family to not try and be here for them in as good of condition as possible in the days I do have on this earth.

Vanity certainly is not a strong motivation because the Bible clearly tells us that beauty is fleeting. I can never do enough to keep myself looking "ideal". I'm a huge believer in being happy in your own skin - take care of yourself to the best of your ability and then be happy with what that looks like. We're commanded to do that. And you know, I see women all the time that weigh more than I do and think, "Wow. I wish I were as pretty as she is." The Lord speaks the absolute truth when He says that what is beautiful in a woman is her spirit - beauty that comes from within.

I'm counting on the Spirit to continue stirring this motivation of obedience in love and respect for the Lord in me all the days of my life.